Who cares what everybody else thinks?

If there is anything that I've always been jealous of about foreign countries is that in most Western cultures people just don't give a damn about what everybody else does. Nobody obsesses about how everybody should dress, act, eat, sleep, scratch their ass and so on, because they either don't find it important, since it doesn't really affect them, or they respect each other's right to be themselves and recognize that it's not their place to tell somebody how to live their life. You can be riding down the street wearing nothing but roller blades and a speedo and people will still carry on about their day like nothing happened. Elaborate hair styles, silly t-shirts, slogans written across your back, tattoos, piercings - you can feel free to use your look to express yourself, show people what you like or don't like and just feel comfortable. Your image is your business and nobody else's. And sure there will always be people who won't like it regardless of where you are, but that won't and shouldn't stop you, because who cares what they think? But alas, as always, that's not the case here in sunny Azerbaijan.

90% percent of people wear black and white and have the same haircut.
They might as well be clones.

For as long as I can remember, every time I've wanted to, for example, wear a video game themed hoodie, shave my head just to see how I'd look (the answer to that, as I later found out, is "terrible") or get myself the same bag that Chewbacca had in Star Wars, I've always been told the same thing: "What would people say?". I've never met these "people" but I am pretty sure we wouldn't get along if I did. Who the hell are they? Is there some kind of an office somewhere where they just sit around all day, making up ridiculous prejudices and judging others based on how they look and act? And even if they do, who the hell gives a shit? I've got an awesome Captain America t-shirt for my birthday and still haven't worn it once, simply because everybody in my family keeps telling me that it looks childish and that "people" would talk. The way you look shouldn't be aimed at pleasing total strangers, it should be an extension of yourself, designed, first of all, to make you feel comfortable. It's much more fun to have a personal style than to follow current fashion trends. And even if you do follow them, it should be because you actually like them and not because that's what everybody else is wearing right now. But instead we are forced to avoid certain things simply because other, absolutely irrelevant to our lives, people have deemed them inappropriate.

Go on, tell me how "inappropriate" she looks

This doesn't just go for the way you look. Everything you do has to be tailored to fit the opinion of these mysterious "people". And most of the time this opinion is based around the most ridiculous gender stereotypes imaginable. If you are a guy then you must, as is expected of you, act tough, dress sharp, like sports, know about cars, attend parties and etc. God forbid you wear a green Minecraft beanie or mention that you like to build stuff out of Legos. That kind of stuff immediately brands you as weird in the eyes of "normal" people. Here's an example: when I was a kid, this girl I had a crush on taught me how to knit. I thought it'd be boring and only did it to spend some time with her, but as soon as I got the hang of it, I loved it! It was so much fun and had such a soothing effect that later I asked my mom to buy me some needles and yarn of my own, so that I could do it at home. She was surprised of course, all other kids wanted model cars and footballs, but I still convinced her to buy them. For the next couple of days all I did was knit. I would always look forward to the part of my day when I'd finally come home from school, have dinner, do my homework and be free to get comfortable on the couch and knit away. I wasn't exactly good at it, I could only do the easy stuff, but I still enjoyed it immensely. That is until my dad told to stop being a girl and that "people" might talk. And I understand why he did it, no father wants somebody teasing their child. I knew that knitting wasn't something boys my age do, it's just that unlike my father I didn't care how it made me look, all that mattered to me was that I enjoyed myself. But, of course, I stopped doing it nonetheless, since I didn't want my dad to keep worrying about how it made me look. To this day, I still miss it and often think about stopping at "Little Needle" on my way home from work to buy a bunch of different yarns and needles. But I am not gonna do that, since that would mean putting up with a bunch of bullshit from some strangers I don't even care about.

What I imagine these "people" look like

It's really sad actually. This eliminates any type of individuality or self expression. Even when it comes to giving someone a Christmas or a birthday present, people still take more into account what "people" might think of the present as opposed to what the recipient might think of it, so everybody ends up with just the generic stuff. Now, I know that it's the thought that counts and I am not very materialistic so I am grateful for every present I receive, but it'd still be a lot nicer to get something that actually showed how much this person knows about me. For example, everybody knows that I am crazy about video games, but I have never received anything even remotely related to them as a present. Because an "appropriate" gift for a guy my age (according to the ever so wise "people") is clothes and cologne (or money, if you don't have even that much imagination), and that's what I've been getting for the last god knows how many years. Me, I always try to get creative when it comes to gift giving: my brother is a big Fight Club fan, so last year for his birthday I got him the soap they make in the movie, carved out of pink stone. He loved it so much he took it back to US with him and I was so proud of myself that I couldn't help but tell people all about it. The only response I received from pretty much everyone was "You couldn't you have gotten you brother something nicer than a rock?".

"Hey man, I know you said that you wanted that Deathstar Lamp, but
I decided that this is what you really want"

So long story short if you ever visit Azerbaijan, wear generic colors, try your best to blend in with the crowd and never mention anything that makes you happy. Otherwise, "people" might sentence you to be burned at the stake.

Being an introvert in Azerbaijan

As an introvert I really enjoy spending my lunch time alone sitting comfortably in my chair, fork in one hand, a book or a magazine in the other. While I find sitting and conversing with others to be just as enjoyable it still doesn't recharge my energy as much as a quiet meal in my own company. The other day I was going through my usual routine of finding a nice isolated table in the corner of the employee cafeteria, settling down with a plate full of whatever disgusting thing our incompetent chefs have whipped up for us this time, plugging in my earphones and listening to an audio book (it was Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins, just FYI). I was halfway through a very intense and dramatic chapter of the book when I was suddenly snapped out of the fictional world of Panem by 3 of my coworkers who sat down at the same table as I, facing me. I took my earphones off just long enough to acknowledge their presence and exchange a few words like "how's it going?" or "bon appetit" because I didn't want to be rude. Then I proceeded to put them right back on and hit "Resume" button on my smartphone. Now, partly due to my naivete I believed that earphones in ears was the universal sign for "I don't want to talk to you right now" but of course as I've mentioned before in my previous posts, that type of thing doesn't mean jack shit in this country.

"That guy looks bored, let's go talk to him!" 

"So what are you listening to?"

I press Pause and take my earphones off.

"An audio book"

I put them back on, press Play.

"A what?!"

I press Pause and take them off again.

"An audio book!"

I put them back on, this time looking this dense idiot right in the eye as I am doing so to really send the message across. The message being "Leave me alone". I press Play.

"What's an audio book?"

I take them off again making sure that I look really frustrated by having to do this every 4 seconds.

"Somebody is reading a book and you're listening to it."

This time I don't even get a chance to put my earphones back on because all 3 of them exchange this weird look of disbelief then suddenly and inexplicably burst into laughter. So I am sitting there all confused, hating these guys' guts, thinking whether or not I will be able have my quiet lunch time with these idiots around when the one who wouldn't shut up turns to me with tears in his eyes and says: "Oh man, you are so weird! Why would anyone ever listen to someone read a book?". I stared at him for a couple of second trying to figure out whether he's joking or being serious, before realizing that he wasn't joking. "Normal people read books, man, they don't listen to them. Anyway, you can put that thing away now, we're here, let's chat".

See, not only the idea of someone doing something slightly different from how everybody else does it (in this case listening to a book instead of reading it) was weird to him, but also he also automatically assumed that the only reason I was doing so was because I was bored while sitting alone. But now that I have been graced by the opportunity to converse with these highly intelligent beings, surely that's what I am going to do, right? That's the whole reason they sat next to me when they saw me. They see me sitting alone and immediately assume that it's because I'm shy or socially awkward, that I want to spend time with other people but I simply can't bring myself to do it, therefore I sit there in the corner quietly suffering from my loneliness waiting for someone to rescue me.

"Captain Clueless to the rescue!" 

Now, the assumption that all quiet people secretly wish to be talkative, as wrong as it may be, is pretty common all around the world, I am not trying to say that this sort of behavior is exclusive to my weird country. And yet it has always been unbelievable to me personally how inconceivable the thought of someone spending time alone and happy at the same time is to the vast majority of people here. It doesn't matter how little you have in common with the person sitting in front of you or whether you guys even like each other. Silence (be it awkward or comfortable) just isn't acceptable, there always has to be a conversation. If you know the person in front of you, it is considered extremely rude not to talk to him. And most of the time I can immediately tell if this other person doesn't want to talk to me either, but he still thinks that we are socially obligated to have small talk just because we are sitting at the same table. So he will go out of his way, trying to find something to talk about, which in this case is more difficult since I don't have anything in common with these people, and will get progressively more annoyed with me shooting down his every attempt at starting an awkward small talk and going back to reading my book. And by awkward small talk I mean that they will even go for the most cliche topic ever: "Nice weather we're having, huh?". There is no polite, socially acceptable way (that I know of) of letting them know that you don't want to talk to them. No matter how you reply to their conversation starter, be it "I don't feel like talking right now" or "If you don't mind, I really want to finish this chapter before my lunch is over", it will still make it seem like you don't want to talk to them personally. So all I can do is keep dropping subtle hints which of course they don't get and just keep on talking. It's like their heart will give out if words stop spewing out of their mouth.

"Quick! Tell me about your day, before it's too late!"

When, to their surprise, starting a conversation keeps failing most people handle this situation in 2 ways.

1) Some assume that I am depressed. Something terrible must have happened and it's simply to depressing to talk about. They become concerned and try to find out what's wrong. And the more I deny this the more their assumption gets reinforced. A few people back in my school even have gone as far as to talk to my older siblings about this.

"Hey, man, is your little brother ok? He sits alone just staring into space, like he's depressed or something. Is something wrong at home? Is there something we can help with?"

When in reality I was just daydreaming.

2) Others just get plain pissed by my quiet contentment with sitting there and doing nothing and give up on starting a conversation. Instead they start an argument.

"Dude, say something! Don't just sit there all quiet, it's not normal! What, we're not good enough for his majesty to speak to? You know, you are never going to have any friends if you keep this up!"

Introverts like me don't need to be left alone because we don't like you. We need alone time just because we need alone time. There is no reason to take it personally.

I believe the root of the problem is that people here often project their own image onto others. The only two reasons that would make them quiet are the ones listed above. So naturally they would assume that the same applies to everyone else and in most cases they'd be right. Introversion is such a rare occurrence in this country that I have only met two people in my whole life that shared this trait with me. Most people in this country do not know how to act around introverts, simply because they have never met one or even heard of such a thing.

I may be exaggerating a little with this picture, but you get the point 

Having a conversation for me means to have a constructive discussion of recent events, opinions on a certain topic, to play some kind of a word game, to present an idea and etc. When there is nothing to talk about I do not see the need to keep spitting words for the sake of more words. Because, just like for any other introvert, having a conversation requires energy and it's simply not worth it to spend that energy talking about weather. Energy is way to valuable for introverts which is why we are incredibly meticulous when it comes to choosing what to spend that energy on. But when I find a topic that I like, for example we often play games like "Would you rather" or "Make it or Break it" with this girl who works in our Human Resources Department, I go all out. I talk, I laugh, I enjoy myself just like any other person would. I loose track of time and suddenly realize that my break is over and I have to go back to work. I feel good about all that energy that I've spent because I know that I didn't waste it, I got the most out of it.

While writing this post I stumbled upon a very interesting illustration on how to understand an introvert's needs. Enjoy

Life's too short to be spend it doing the wrong thing

Ever since I was a kid, I've always wanted to be an actor. Unfortunately that is not a viable career option in my country, partly due to the fact that entertainment industry is not very popular here so it would be next to impossible to make a living as an actor. But in my opinion it's also due to the fact that people here are very cynical and simply do not think that things like acting or any other form of performing art are worth while and are downright silly. 

"Haha, he actually want to express himself" 

Everybody acts like they are on a clock to live their life, which technically is true, but they take it to a whole new level with every step in life having a deadline. Not being able to meet that deadline would have catastrophic results on your future, so everybody has the same mentality of quickly rushing through life without leaving even a little bit of time for self discovery. You go to school, you graduate, immediately go to a university, graduate from there, go to the army (military service is mandatory in this country), come back, find a job, get married (and in most cases this step doesn't include falling in love, but more on that later), have kids, work for the next 40 years, retire and then just die. There are no steps that include you asking yourself "what do I want to do in life?", being happy or even content with what you will be doing for the rest of your life is not included into the equation and the worst part is not that people are OK with that, but that it would never even occur to them to question this if they weren't. All that matters is that you do what is expected of you.

"Would you kindly?"

The Academy that I went to didn't have a single class that was be interesting to me. I tried my hardest to pay attention during those classes but no matter how hard I tried my mind would still drift off to a cartoon I started watching the day before. I didn't care about accounting, about the difference between economic shift and movement or even how oil rigs work (my specialty was industrial organization and management). I tried asking some of my classmates whether they found all of these things interesting or was it just me. Incredibly they all had the same answer that this information would prove very useful to them in the future when they are trying to find a job and have financial security. And there is nothing wrong with that. What was incredible to me was that their interest in these subjects played absolutely no role, they were like robots filling themselves with information to accomplish their future goal. They didn't even care what kind of a job they got afterwards as long as it was the one that paid a lot. They had no dreams or ambitions other than "imma make a shit ton of money and buy stuff with it" (try reading that with a southern accent). One of the questions that I would ask them was "What did you want to be when you were a kid?" because clearly nobody spends their childhood dreaming of sitting in an office doing paperwork which was exactly where we were all heading. This was the question that confused them the most, a lot of them didn't remember (and didn't care that they didn't remember), but some of them suddenly got very defensive and told me to grow up. But before they got defensive, just for half a second, they all flashed this startled expression mixed with doubt, the kind you get when suddenly can't find your wallet in your back pocket only to realize a second later that you put it in your jacket five minutes ago. It's like that question somehow woke up their inner child and that child was terrified of where he was. This is what's sad about this country and it's society, in here growing up means to stop dreaming and become a robot who has to fulfill his programming before he drops dead. During the time I've spent in that Academy I have accomplished nothing other than waste a lot of money and 4 years of my life. Time I could have spent taking acting classes, shooting YouTube videos, working on my improvisation, finding people who share my passion and etc.

"Hm... I wonder what I should build next in Minecraft..." 

This is exactly the type of thinking that has resulted in me having a job that I promised myself as a kid I would never get (I don't want to go into specifics like where I work or what position). This job has nothing to do with economics, oil industry, geology or any other things that I pretended to study back in the Academy. I only was able to get it because my love for video games and animation has resulted in me speaking fluent English which is a very marketable skill in this country. Day after day I come to work at the same office in the basement of a large building, sit at my desk, answer phone calls and do paperwork. Then I have lunch and go straight back to doing more paperwork. I go home, go to sleep only to repeat the whole process the next day. I am not saying that this is a bad job to have: I've got a good salary, reasonable hours (most of the time), medical insurance, paid vacation, I am able to provide for my family, my current boss and supervisor are both great and so on. In today's competitive market I am very lucky to even have a job, let alone one that's got dental. But still this type of job never fills you with a sense of accomplishment, because at the end of the day a sorted pile of paper isn't exactly something to be proud of. 

Isn't it beautiful? 

22 is a pretty early age to come to a realization like this, but life is too short to spend it doing something so unfulfilling, always wondering what would have been. But I am not giving up, one day I will move far away from here and have a fresh start. I don't care how long it takes me or even if I end up waiting tables somewhere in Quebec, it's my life and I have already wasted too much of it doing things just because other people expected them of me.

Intro

I am starting this blog to express my opinion about certain things that I strongly disagree with in my home country of Azerbaijan, but cannot do anything about for one reason or the other. Ever since I was a kid my interests, mentality and open mind have always set me aside from my peers which would often result in me being misunderstood and treated as weird. This blog will follow my observations of social protocols and behavior that seem perfectly normal to others who live here, as viewed by someone who has never been affected by them and frankly is still trying to understand most of them. That is why I've decided to name my blog "The Local Foreigner".

"Who wants to be different with me?... Anyone?..."

Growing up in one culture while being immersed in a completely different one can be rare and difficult which is exactly what happened to me. I grew up in Baku, Azerbaijan, where I currently live and work, however due to the fact that me and my brothers have spent our childhood mostly doing stuff the kids in more Western Cultures do (watching American cartoons and movies, playing video games, reading comic books, keeping up with western trends instead of local ones and so much more and doing all of these things in English instead of Azerbaijani) we grew up with a more skeptical view on some of the things that would seem completely normal to a local person, who has spent his entire life here same as we have. This factor I believe affected me the most because my oldest brother adopted all these thing at a much older age than me and my second brother went to study in America when he was 15 and he has remained there ever since. I was a different story. Now I am 22 and I find it very difficult to make friends not due to fact that I am antisocial or shy, I am not, but due to the fact that I have so little in common with people I come in contact with on an everyday basis. And I don't only mean things like me liking video games and comic books and them loving nothing but football (soccer). It goes beyond that, to things like (and this is just an example) not giving a fuck about whether the girl you are marrying is a virgin or not (I actually plan on writing about this sometime in the future). If I say that it wouldn't bother me if she wasn't people will go apeshit and accuse me of being weak (like that has something to do with it) or that I will never be a good husband if I keep thinking like this. 

"Sorry, honey, we can't be together because I actually trust you
and respect your decisions and freedom"

I wish I was making this stuff up, but unfortunately I am writing this out of my own personal experience. People here are not at all tolerant of any opinion that even slightly differs from the general one. It's like they have some kind of a template that everybody is supposed to fill: if you are guy you are supposed to like football, know everything there is to know about cars and beat the shit out everyone who looks at you funny. God forbid you mention an Anime you saw the other day or how excited you are about Star Wars Episode VII. Not only will they immediately dismiss those things as silly and immature but will go as far as to belittle you for liking them in the first place, make you feel bad about it and then act like they did you a favor by pointing out how wrong you are living your life. Again, I am not making this up. This has actually happened to me multiple times.

"Good news, buddy, you don't have to be a geek anymore.
We found a 12 step program for you"

As a result not only do I have to pretend to agree with some things just to avoid a confrontation from people who I don't even care about, but also I have absolutely no one to have a stimulating conversation with, where I don't have to hide my true opinions and world view.

Long story short, the purpose of this blog is to simply get my thoughts and ideas out there in a constructive fashion, because I am pretty sure that keeping these things bottled up inside isn't exactly healthy both mentally and physically.